For the last week and a half or so, I wasn't living in line with my true purpose.
When I am not living in line with my true purpose (things I am supposed to be doing) things don't "feel" right. My gut tried to warn me about some work situations outside of readings but I didn't listen.
Needless to say, I had dropped prices before I went and took on this work because that is what I wanted to do. I know, when I get readings for myself, I usually get what I can afford and what "feels" right to get. And so I wanted to make things more affordable for everyone.
Well, when I took on these 2 jobs, I was immediately thrown for a loop. I was a frazzled mess. I didn't know what to do with myself and I must have said that to my fiance at least 5 times over the course of less than a week.
So yesterday I decided to stop doing those jobs, focus on my other part time job that I love, and doing readings. Since then, things have been a bit of a headache and anxiety ridden (ending stuff). However, I feel lighter, clearer and more "me".
Today I was like "totally gotta put those prices back down!" and thinking to myself "what the f*ck was I thinking with these prices?"
So, in light of this, I put the prices back down. And because you are awesome, I kept a 30% off code going (down a bit from 35%) and it ends 2/25/19. Code: COMPASSION111
For the last 11 ½ years I have been reading people, and a little bit of time prior to that, I started embracing my love for crystals, healing, reiki, oracle cards, and the like. I have always loved celestial things – even as a child. Being intuitive, even since I was around 7 years old, this part of myself was there but put on the backburner. Why? Mainly because no one believed me.
Well, as months went on and I started learning how to use oracle cards, sometimes I would get cards about forgiving myself, healing, and emotional healing. Honestly, I had no idea what I was supposed to be forgiving myself for.
Recently, I realized I had been blaming myself for my medical problems – as if I had caused them myself. Even writing this, I can feel the inner sadness. And while I have endured a highly mentally emotionally traumatic childhood, grew up way too fast, and had health problems literally my entire life, it never occurred to me that I was blaming myself for my health.
It took me over 11 years to recognize this in myself. *My guides knew this LONG before I did.* I was and still am reading a book called The Power of the Heart, and I have been journaling, being more open about my health, and also vocalizing things more to those around me. I also read a book about chronic illness that was meant to help the other person, not the one suffering, but I found it helpful.
You see, I have been blaming myself for how I feel, when I actually have minimal control over it. Sure, I can do some things here and there – I take Zoloft (which I would do a commercial for) which helps the anxiety and a little of the IBS and I take Aygestin for the endometriosis. I also take turmeric/ginger mixed together and a good quality fish oil supplement for inflammation, along with a probiotic and cranberry supplement. I am gluten free and dairy free. I don’t eat eggs, just whites but on a rotation. I can’t eat Chinese food (USA Chinese food), and I stay away from most things that are roughage (green leafy’s, coniferous veggies, most veggies actually. I tolerate potatoes but only organic ones and I can eat broccoli on a rotation. My diet is very bland and simple. (Safe, if you will.)
But despite what I do – which would also include some exercise, yoga, meditation, guided imagery, using essential oils, homeopathic remedies, and more … I still feel awful most days.
Even though I do everything above, most days I struggle.
Usually from pain in varies body parts or areas, extreme exhaustion/fatigue, stomach/bowel issues, anxiety, neuropathy type stuff, warmth – running a low grade temp but also being cold, feeling like I am dying and more. Each day varies in severity and it isn’t really “day to day” but “moment by moment”.
My former doctor hid the CFS/ME diagnosis from me for a few years because she didn’t want “to get me down” … upon talking to my eye doctor, she was supposed to tell me immediately. When I told her how I felt like I was dying most days and how when I was flared up it felt like I was walking in the sand on the beach, during an extremely windy day with the wind coming at me. That is what it feels like to move sometimes, or walk. Like I am moving against the grain and through sand.
Even though I have been working on my self-compassion now for a few weeks I struggle with it still, but I am improving. I still haven’t continued reading the heart book or the course I bought to help me deal with chronic illness (or the book that parallels it) because it still bothers me that I need them, relate to them and listening to others talk about their experiences with similar issues makes me sadder.
The physician who withheld the diagnosis from me, asked me if I wanted to talk to someone else who had recently been diagnosed with the same thing as a support for her. And I said no. I told my doctor that it has only gotten worse over the years and it makes me feel miserable and that I would only really depress her other patient because the honest truth of my situation sucks. I said – do you want me to tell her it got worse and not better? Do you want me to tell her what my experiences are? Nope. So I didn’t.
Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful it isn’t worse or life threatening, but it still sucks.
And some people with CFS/ME and the list of other problems I have, do improve over time but not everyone does. It might also be like a rollercoaster – good and then bad, and then better and then worse, and keep fluctuating all over the place. No one’s situation is exactly the same.
For me, having endometriosis (since 1998, diagnosed in 2001), fibromyalgia (d. 2006), IBS (d. 1986, again in 2000), allergies (early 2000’s), food intolerances (d. 2006, gave up gluten/dairy 2009), migraines (d. 2003), vitamin deficiencies B12 & D (around 2005), chronic Epstein-barr virus (2010, 2011, 2012, 2014, 2018), slight IgG deficiency (d. 2014, 2018), CFS/ME (2018), anxiety (2000, 2004, 2005, 2012, 2013), generalized anxiety disorder with panic (2014), agoraphobia with panic (2014), mild depression (2005, 2013, 2014), slight PTSD-like (not full PTSD) symptoms during my sleep and hypervigilance (2016), sleep paralysis (2017), hypothyroid (2008). Then I have smaller annoying things – tendonitis in my arms, wrists, elbows. Allergies to anything that goes on my skin that is fragranced or unfriendly, water retention, and more.
I function okay throughout the day. My laundry is on my floor again (on a clean blanket) waiting for me to get the energy to fold it all and put it away. But I still do readings, and I am grateful my 2 jobs are local and can also be done from home. I do work 2 part time jobs AND do readings/reiki, and freelance work. No, feeling awful doesn’t interrupt my ability to do readings or work because it isn’t physically demanding.
I am pretty chipper if you meet me and talk to me. Sometimes I am exhausted and grumpy but I forewarn people beforehand if I am in that state.
And, I never want anyone to feel bad for me. I press on!
I got a warrior ring/necklace from MantraBand and I am wearing it daily to remind myself I am a Chronic Illness Warrior, a Warrior for good in this world, and a Spiritual Warrior of awesome. Namaste.
P.S. Since I have realized that I didn’t “cause” these problems and they aren’t “MY fault”, I have been a little less stressed (like a smidgen), and less intensely looking for cures for these things. I have relaxed my approach to my health – which is actually serving me more than being an intense nut about it.
Health update & my next Ayurveda adventure
I have been flared up endometriosis wise for the last couple weeks. It seems the 2 days in a row of exercise from 2 weeks ago really angered it. I have had pretty consistent pelvic pain that feels like someone is dragging a steak knife across my pelvic area from the inside out or like I am being stabbed from the inside out with that same knife.
Additionally, today I am flaring in an unknown way. Which problem is causing it, I don’t know? I have read that neuropathy type stuff can come from endometriosis. This is more of a body-wide light nervey thing. That feeling when you touch your skin and it has a burning sensation, that alternates with tingly almost static kind of feeling and it hurts a bit too. It is weird. Usually passes in 24 hours, so fingers crossed it passes.
I have had a couple of days where I reached 5,000 steps but mostly between 2,500 and 3,000. Once the flares are quelled a bit, I plan on walking more and doing more gentle movement to get myself exercising again.
In the meantime, I had this notion that most of my problems were Kapha Vata problems, even though my assessments come out Vata Pitta dominant with a smidgen of Kapha. And I thought this for about a year or more at this point.
I get hot a lot and overheat a lot, so I don’t usually think much of it because it alternates. I usually store heat from the shower and get really red, especially in my cheeks. I can tolerate cold weather post shower for about an hour sometimes without a coat, after it wears off I am an icicle. Or I get red cheeks and hot from the neck up and am cold from the neck down and running a low grade fever. I also can’t exercise much without overheating, getting red cheeks and feeling that warm nausea. The most annoying thing is when my anxiety flares up and it causes me to run to the bathroom #2. And if I let the anxiety go, the #2’s will get more urgent, more severe – which could also be Vata Pitta.
…Then it dawned on me what might be going on.
I look at my tongue 1-2 times per day and I always have heat in the middle of my tongue (green/yellow) but a couple nights ago it was really thick.
I started doing research and learned that most of my problems are coming from a Pitta Vata imbalance.
My plan to remedy this is to eat more Pitta Vata foods, to do more Vata exercise, yoga, meditation, and work on my stress.
Also try to create a routine (the dominant Vata in me hates routine). Additionally, I got some Pitta digestive herbs to help nourish all doshas, and my intestines while helping me with the heat problem. I also got a tongue scraper. I can’t wait to get the herbs in the mail.
When you realize what is actually happening and why I am so exhausted all the time, things click. Now, I am not expecting a miracle but I think these will help improve my well being, even if just taking the edge off my long list of health problems.
Let me explain to you my thoughts and what I found:
Despite my assessment, I figured I was putting on excess weight (from the high fat diet my former doctor had me on) because Kapha was unhappy. Kapha may have been a contributor but Pitta doesn’t like high fat either, especially when my digestion sucks because it has trouble moving and processing it. In other words, between doshas not liking high fat and me not liking high fat, my stomach not liking high fat, and high fat feeding the estrogen and endometriosis in my body – I put on a lot of weight and it happened really fast.
I also thought that my sluggishness, allergies and metabolism being slow was Kapha, and while it might also be a contributor, these things, when Pitta is unbalanced and digestion sucks, can come from Pitta. All according to research I read online recently.
There is a delicate balance going on here. And being Vata Pitta Dominant and Pitta heat running amuck, and my digestion being slow, plus a bit of Kapha, here I am. But I never thought to try and remedy Pitta (heat).
I am trying to think of how to word what I see intuitively and visualize how this works.
I am quite high strung, have high anxiety, a million thoughts throughout the day, sometimes I have trouble sleeping because of them and long to do lists (even if I write them down). Plus, I am a perfectionist and a bit type A in most instances. I want things done now and done right. I am also always thinking of things I can research (something I love) and trying to better my health.
I get irritable (more like sad, down, and pissy) when I don’t eat and I am prone to being low glycemic. But because I am ungrounded and very floaty and running at 200 mph, I can go 6-8 hours without eating anything because I am on a mission to get things done and completely forget about it.
Then, I found online that Pitta (and Vata) prefer a regular eating schedule. I want to work on this, but honestly I am not sure how I am going to pull it off. Maybe set reminders on my phone to eat? And then what do I do when I have an appointment in the morning or work? I won’t eat before I go anywhere in the morning because it might upset the IBS rendering me unable to leave the apartment.
Even though I am shy around most people, once I get comfortable, I never shut up. And I am always rambling on about a million different things. I am like the energizer bunny, constantly going, but I don’t have any battery life left, I am exhausted.
I think though, if anyone functioned how I do in any given day, they too would get exhausted. I told my fiance I could never be in a relationship with someone who has a similar Ayurvedic profile as me because their constant “going” and never shutting up and being on “go” constantly, would be exhausting to be around.
Thankfully, my fiance is Kapha where I am Vata and he is Vata where I am Kapha. He is like a rock, very grounding, calm, stable, patient and thankfully tolerant. His Pitta is equivalent to mine, but his is in balance and mine isn’t. We balance each other out. We have been together since 2008 and I am grateful to have found someone so awesome.
I have been brushing up on my social media marketing knowledge and one thing I read was that, when we think we are ahead, we are actually behind. That killed me. Just thinking I am BEHIND on something makes me feel this wave of heat and anxiety in me that NEEDS to get things done NOW so I am not behind. And I would end up sacrificing my health, food, even probably ignoring nature and her bathroom breaks – all because of this horrid drive.
I truly wish I had a great doctor to help me. I am broke financially but could use the help.
With that, I will let you know how remedying my doshas goes. Have you had any luck remedying your dosha imbalances?
I went to the Post Office today to get stamps (one of the many, many errands I ran today – resulting in over 5,000 steps!) and I originally wanted something cute. I loved the popsicle ones from over the summer because they were cute, colorful and scratch and sniff. But, when I got there, I saw that they had John Lennon stamps! I knew immediately I had to get a book of them. I love John Lennon.
As a huge Beatles fan, and John being my favorite of them all, I ended up getting two books of stamps because I loved them so much.
If I could meet one person alive or deceased, it would be him.
I wish he were still alive. I think, if he were alive today, he would still be a champion for love and peace. Anytime I think about him, his song “Give Peace A Chance” comes into my head for hours.
This world needs more people like John Lennon. The world needs a LOT more love and peace and more champions of such loving positive spiritual warrior spirit.
As far as my stamps, I plan on using one book and cherishing the other (not using them). They serve as a reminder of peace, love and harmony. Of what the world needs and deserves. And how one person really can make a difference.
If the woman in this picture was blonde, she would be a good picture of what I felt like around 3:30 this afternoon (2/2/19).
I hit a wall around then and ended up with a flare up – mostly CFS/ME and EBV. Then as time went on a slight fibromyalgia flare came out.
Interestingly, I am still working on losing weight (after my old doctor’s mistake). I exercise when I can, how I can, and this week I did 2 days of exercise. BUT I am still 110% committed to doing the old Weight Watchers Momentum/Flex Points from the early 2000’s.
I am happy to report a steady weight loss of 1-2 pounds per week. I have been doing it for about 4 weeks and I am down about 8 pounds and down around 9 inches overall.
I am still hoping Weight Watchers will make it so we can sign up for whichever Points program works for us because I have tried all of the others with no success. This one works for me.
Here are the before and after pics. (above)
In the meantime, other than working, doing readings tomorrow, reformatting my website again, and watching the Super Bowl, my goal is to write my whole story about Endometriosis and the other many line items of problems I have.
Tonight I am totally feeling like a Magic 8 Ball.
My fiance and I watched The Masked Singer (one of my new fav shows) and I guessed the singer. (Keeping in mind, this is the first one I got right.)
Then before he changed the channel he asked me if we won the Celtics game or not and I said Yes we did - and we did.
Then he asked me how many points Hayward (Celtics player) got tonight and I said 12 and he looked it up and I was right.
I like nights like this but sometimes I feel a little like a Magic 8 Ball - which is still kind of cool. lol. :)
Namaste and major gratitude (prayer hands) [as always] to my guides for the insight and for helping me do readings tonight.
And Namaste and major gratitude [as always] to all of you guys!
Lots of Love & light,
Another rest day. Better than yesterday in some ways, but did pull a muscle in my back/front that upset the endometriosis. So no exercise today. Stay tuned. I love this picture though, it looks so cozy. :)
Today is a total rest day. Although I ran errands and have moved today, I did not exercise. I found exercising the last two days to be invigorating and reminders that I truly love exercising and fitness. But what I also realized is that my body prefers it if I exercise every other day.
Yes, I am flared up. It is not as bad as it could be (which is good). My lower back is flared which is mostly the endometriosis. My general body pain is from the workout and a bit of fibromyalgia pain. CFS is flared up and my face and neck are hot and my cheeks are flaming red and hot. And I am an icicle from the neck down. My neck is also sore which is when the EBV gets mad and I am extra fatigued. BUT it isn’t as bad as it could be. In all honesty, it isn’t close to the worst I have felt. So even though I am flared up today, it is still a win.
Will I exercise tomorrow? Probably. But I will decide what to do for exercise tomorrow and maybe tone things down a little or exercise every other day instead of two days in a row.
I plan on cooking basmati rice in chicken broth for dinner and I feel that will help remedy things a bit.
And, as a remedy for my ongoing path to more self-compassion, I got my Kuan Yin and Dreamcatcher Alex and Ani Bracelets in the mail today! Totally loving them. I got the Kuan Yin bracelet to serve as a reminder to be compassionate towards myself (something I struggle with). And the dreamcatcher because I love them and all things Native American. I tend to feel bad about money when I spend it but I decided to embrace the purchase and enjoy it when I can afford to do it. Namaste.
Have you ever wondered whether you were receiving guidance or not? Or have you ever wondered why you keep seeing the same things over and over around you? Well, that is your guides way of telling you to pay attention to that thing.
For example, if someone says to you – Hey, you got to check out this course. And then another few people tell you that same thing. And then you see ads for it online or on your phone, and then you hear an ad about it on the radio. Well, that is your guides way of saying – you need to take this course, you can benefit from it in some way.
I have been getting major signs to practice self-love, self-compassion. It started by my psychic advisor recommending I read The Power of the Heart by Baptist de Pape. I am in the middle of reading it, but I bought it in mid-December .
I put together a list of things for Christmas because most of my family doesn’t like to guess. But I didn’t specify anything I wanted over anything else.
After I bought the book, I received a Kuan Yin statue, a heart chakra Alex and Ani bracelet, and a colorful heart charm. All of which people felt pulled to get me. Kuan Yin is the goddess of compassion. I also received a daily calendar that I finally opened at the end of the first week in January, and its message was “Love Yourself”.
I also recently got one of the magazines I subscribe to and the theme for the month is Self Compassion. I woke up and looked at my Instagram feed this morning and the first post I saw was that Lokai came out with a Love bracelet with a ton of hearts on it.
Now, I know Valentine’s Day is coming, but still. There are a lot of signs that I need to do some heart work and learn self-compassion. So, I am.
I am working on reading the book. I meditate with my hand on my heart and explore it a bit. I am working on healing my heart and loving myself more. I also listen to guided imagery for the heart and also for self-compassion.
I find self-compassion to be incredibly hard. It is easy for me to be compassionate to or for someone else, but the opposite for myself.
Living with health issues forever – literally my whole life – I have found it hard to have self-compassion. In essence; I don’t usually feel well, sometimes plans get ruined because of my health, and sometimes my health gets in the way of a lot of things I want to do. I get frustrated with myself that I feel so awful, or if I can’t do something, my plans fall through, etc. And that anger just sits within. I don’t express it much but instead hold it in. (Which I am working on doing less.) Eventually my anger turns to sadness and I just cry my eyes out but over the years I have developed a strong resilience and it takes a lot for me to break down these days. Unless of course, the endometriosis is causing me some OTHER problem, or if I need help but refused to rely on others. Not knowing how my life will look in the future, if I will be better, the same or worse, also bothers me. But I am working on self-compassion right now and it is slowly coming about.
Sometimes we are our own worst critics. I think a lot of us are like that, though most of the time it is mental and we don’t usually show it. Practicing self-compassion, relaxing our expectations of ourselves, being kinder to ourselves and giving ourselves a break is incredibly important. I am learning to accept myself as I am, to have more self-love and self-compassion and to cut myself some slack.
Have you experienced signs from above that you need to do something? Can you benefit from learning self-compassion? Tell me about it. 😊
Just finished a great workout. Just because I have chronic illness, doesn’t mean I can’t workout, sweat and get strong when I am feeling up for it.
My favorite thing to do is a circuit but I do it at home. I like going to the gym but having a slight immune deficiency that runs in my family, I tend to get sick easily from going to the gym. In a way, it is kind of like a big petri dish so it is best for me to workout here.
You might be wondering – what is a circuit? A circuit is when we do a few minutes or reps of alternating exercises but in a loop per say.
I use the Gazelle first for about 10-15 minutes, then the tiny stepper for a couple minutes to get my heart rate up, then back to Gazelle for a few, then I do weights/resistance for a few exercises in varying reps but with a little speed to keep my heart rate up, then back to the Gazelle for a couple minutes, then the tiny stepper, then weights/resistance and I will do this cycle for 30-45 minutes. The weights/resistance I do vary each time. I do all muscle groups separately, in a cycle. Then I walk around for 2 minutes and follow it up with 15 minutes of gentle yoga and stretching.
I have everything here for a great workout: Gazelle Edge, tiny stepper, tiny stationary bike (both are basically just pedals -you can get them on Amazon), hand weights, resistance bands, Pilates ring, yoga mat, yoga blocks, yoga strap, stability ball. I also have a jump rope and a bunch of other stuff. Plus, my fiance and I have been working out individually and together for a long time – we are no stranger to working out. I just haven’t worked out as regularly in recent years.
Lastly, because my Garmin Vivosmart tracks stress, I watch that too. And my body tends to register exercise and post-exercise as being under stress. So I meditate for 15-20 minutes after yoga to get my body back in a state of rest. I will keep an eye on it for at least an hour post-workout because it will creep back up to a stressed state if I don’t.
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