For the last 11 ½ years I have been reading people, and a little bit of time prior to that, I started embracing my love for crystals, healing, reiki, oracle cards, and the like. I have always loved celestial things – even as a child. Being intuitive, even since I was around 7 years old, this part of myself was there but put on the backburner. Why? Mainly because no one believed me.
Well, as months went on and I started learning how to use oracle cards, sometimes I would get cards about forgiving myself, healing, and emotional healing. Honestly, I had no idea what I was supposed to be forgiving myself for.
Recently, I realized I had been blaming myself for my medical problems – as if I had caused them myself. Even writing this, I can feel the inner sadness. And while I have endured a highly mentally emotionally traumatic childhood, grew up way too fast, and had health problems literally my entire life, it never occurred to me that I was blaming myself for my health.
It took me over 11 years to recognize this in myself. *My guides knew this LONG before I did.* I was and still am reading a book called The Power of the Heart, and I have been journaling, being more open about my health, and also vocalizing things more to those around me. I also read a book about chronic illness that was meant to help the other person, not the one suffering, but I found it helpful.
You see, I have been blaming myself for how I feel, when I actually have minimal control over it. Sure, I can do some things here and there – I take Zoloft (which I would do a commercial for) which helps the anxiety and a little of the IBS and I take Aygestin for the endometriosis. I also take turmeric/ginger mixed together and a good quality fish oil supplement for inflammation, along with a probiotic and cranberry supplement. I am gluten free and dairy free. I don’t eat eggs, just whites but on a rotation. I can’t eat Chinese food (USA Chinese food), and I stay away from most things that are roughage (green leafy’s, coniferous veggies, most veggies actually. I tolerate potatoes but only organic ones and I can eat broccoli on a rotation. My diet is very bland and simple. (Safe, if you will.)
But despite what I do – which would also include some exercise, yoga, meditation, guided imagery, using essential oils, homeopathic remedies, and more … I still feel awful most days.
Even though I do everything above, most days I struggle.
Usually from pain in varies body parts or areas, extreme exhaustion/fatigue, stomach/bowel issues, anxiety, neuropathy type stuff, warmth – running a low grade temp but also being cold, feeling like I am dying and more. Each day varies in severity and it isn’t really “day to day” but “moment by moment”.
My former doctor hid the CFS/ME diagnosis from me for a few years because she didn’t want “to get me down” … upon talking to my eye doctor, she was supposed to tell me immediately. When I told her how I felt like I was dying most days and how when I was flared up it felt like I was walking in the sand on the beach, during an extremely windy day with the wind coming at me. That is what it feels like to move sometimes, or walk. Like I am moving against the grain and through sand.
Even though I have been working on my self-compassion now for a few weeks I struggle with it still, but I am improving. I still haven’t continued reading the heart book or the course I bought to help me deal with chronic illness (or the book that parallels it) because it still bothers me that I need them, relate to them and listening to others talk about their experiences with similar issues makes me sadder.
The physician who withheld the diagnosis from me, asked me if I wanted to talk to someone else who had recently been diagnosed with the same thing as a support for her. And I said no. I told my doctor that it has only gotten worse over the years and it makes me feel miserable and that I would only really depress her other patient because the honest truth of my situation sucks. I said – do you want me to tell her it got worse and not better? Do you want me to tell her what my experiences are? Nope. So I didn’t.
Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful it isn’t worse or life threatening, but it still sucks.
And some people with CFS/ME and the list of other problems I have, do improve over time but not everyone does. It might also be like a rollercoaster – good and then bad, and then better and then worse, and keep fluctuating all over the place. No one’s situation is exactly the same.
For me, having endometriosis (since 1998, diagnosed in 2001), fibromyalgia (d. 2006), IBS (d. 1986, again in 2000), allergies (early 2000’s), food intolerances (d. 2006, gave up gluten/dairy 2009), migraines (d. 2003), vitamin deficiencies B12 & D (around 2005), chronic Epstein-barr virus (2010, 2011, 2012, 2014, 2018), slight IgG deficiency (d. 2014, 2018), CFS/ME (2018), anxiety (2000, 2004, 2005, 2012, 2013), generalized anxiety disorder with panic (2014), agoraphobia with panic (2014), mild depression (2005, 2013, 2014), slight PTSD-like (not full PTSD) symptoms during my sleep and hypervigilance (2016), sleep paralysis (2017), hypothyroid (2008). Then I have smaller annoying things – tendonitis in my arms, wrists, elbows. Allergies to anything that goes on my skin that is fragranced or unfriendly, water retention, and more.
I function okay throughout the day. My laundry is on my floor again (on a clean blanket) waiting for me to get the energy to fold it all and put it away. But I still do readings, and I am grateful my 2 jobs are local and can also be done from home. I do work 2 part time jobs AND do readings/reiki, and freelance work. No, feeling awful doesn’t interrupt my ability to do readings or work because it isn’t physically demanding.
I am pretty chipper if you meet me and talk to me. Sometimes I am exhausted and grumpy but I forewarn people beforehand if I am in that state.
And, I never want anyone to feel bad for me. I press on!
I got a warrior ring/necklace from MantraBand and I am wearing it daily to remind myself I am a Chronic Illness Warrior, a Warrior for good in this world, and a Spiritual Warrior of awesome. Namaste.
P.S. Since I have realized that I didn’t “cause” these problems and they aren’t “MY fault”, I have been a little less stressed (like a smidgen), and less intensely looking for cures for these things. I have relaxed my approach to my health – which is actually serving me more than being an intense nut about it.
Why I chose Rose Quartz for the group image:
I <3 Rose Quartz!
Rose Quartz is a pink stone that is most commonly used for the heart chakra but has many other benefits and uses.
Rose Quartz and its heart chakra benefits call out to me from a place of heart, love and light. The healing that can come from this crystal and how it can open us all up to love and expressing unconditional love to all.
Rose Quartz is also great at helping us heal from past relationship issues/hurts, as it can help heal our heart.
Additionally, Rose Quartz can help us with compassion for ourselves and others, raise our self esteem.
According to HealingCrystals.com "Rose Quartz eases guilt and balances emotions, lowering stress and bringing peace. Use Rose Quartz to enhance positive self-affirmations.
The soothing energy of Rose Quartz fosters empathy, reconciliation, and forgiveness of others. Lowering stress and tension in the heart, Rose Quartz clears out anger, jealousy, and resentment of others, and allows healing of heart issues and disease associated with holding on to such negative emotions."
I am reading this book: The Power of the Heart by Baptist de Pape and in the book there is an exercise we can do for contemplation and happiness. What I am finding, while doing these exercises daily, is that I am finding more compassion for myself. I included two pictures of the pages for the exercise on my online community. Maybe you can benefit from it too.
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