For the last 11 ½ years I have been reading people, and a little bit of time prior to that, I started embracing my love for crystals, healing, reiki, oracle cards, and the like. I have always loved celestial things – even as a child. Being intuitive, even since I was around 7 years old, this part of myself was there but put on the backburner. Why? Mainly because no one believed me.
Well, as months went on and I started learning how to use oracle cards, sometimes I would get cards about forgiving myself, healing, and emotional healing. Honestly, I had no idea what I was supposed to be forgiving myself for.
Recently, I realized I had been blaming myself for my medical problems – as if I had caused them myself. Even writing this, I can feel the inner sadness. And while I have endured a highly mentally emotionally traumatic childhood, grew up way too fast, and had health problems literally my entire life, it never occurred to me that I was blaming myself for my health.
It took me over 11 years to recognize this in myself. *My guides knew this LONG before I did.* I was and still am reading a book called The Power of the Heart, and I have been journaling, being more open about my health, and also vocalizing things more to those around me. I also read a book about chronic illness that was meant to help the other person, not the one suffering, but I found it helpful.
You see, I have been blaming myself for how I feel, when I actually have minimal control over it. Sure, I can do some things here and there – I take Zoloft (which I would do a commercial for) which helps the anxiety and a little of the IBS and I take Aygestin for the endometriosis. I also take turmeric/ginger mixed together and a good quality fish oil supplement for inflammation, along with a probiotic and cranberry supplement. I am gluten free and dairy free. I don’t eat eggs, just whites but on a rotation. I can’t eat Chinese food (USA Chinese food), and I stay away from most things that are roughage (green leafy’s, coniferous veggies, most veggies actually. I tolerate potatoes but only organic ones and I can eat broccoli on a rotation. My diet is very bland and simple. (Safe, if you will.)
But despite what I do – which would also include some exercise, yoga, meditation, guided imagery, using essential oils, homeopathic remedies, and more … I still feel awful most days.
Even though I do everything above, most days I struggle.
Usually from pain in varies body parts or areas, extreme exhaustion/fatigue, stomach/bowel issues, anxiety, neuropathy type stuff, warmth – running a low grade temp but also being cold, feeling like I am dying and more. Each day varies in severity and it isn’t really “day to day” but “moment by moment”.
My former doctor hid the CFS/ME diagnosis from me for a few years because she didn’t want “to get me down” … upon talking to my eye doctor, she was supposed to tell me immediately. When I told her how I felt like I was dying most days and how when I was flared up it felt like I was walking in the sand on the beach, during an extremely windy day with the wind coming at me. That is what it feels like to move sometimes, or walk. Like I am moving against the grain and through sand.
Even though I have been working on my self-compassion now for a few weeks I struggle with it still, but I am improving. I still haven’t continued reading the heart book or the course I bought to help me deal with chronic illness (or the book that parallels it) because it still bothers me that I need them, relate to them and listening to others talk about their experiences with similar issues makes me sadder.
The physician who withheld the diagnosis from me, asked me if I wanted to talk to someone else who had recently been diagnosed with the same thing as a support for her. And I said no. I told my doctor that it has only gotten worse over the years and it makes me feel miserable and that I would only really depress her other patient because the honest truth of my situation sucks. I said – do you want me to tell her it got worse and not better? Do you want me to tell her what my experiences are? Nope. So I didn’t.
Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful it isn’t worse or life threatening, but it still sucks.
And some people with CFS/ME and the list of other problems I have, do improve over time but not everyone does. It might also be like a rollercoaster – good and then bad, and then better and then worse, and keep fluctuating all over the place. No one’s situation is exactly the same.
For me, having endometriosis (since 1998, diagnosed in 2001), fibromyalgia (d. 2006), IBS (d. 1986, again in 2000), allergies (early 2000’s), food intolerances (d. 2006, gave up gluten/dairy 2009), migraines (d. 2003), vitamin deficiencies B12 & D (around 2005), chronic Epstein-barr virus (2010, 2011, 2012, 2014, 2018), slight IgG deficiency (d. 2014, 2018), CFS/ME (2018), anxiety (2000, 2004, 2005, 2012, 2013), generalized anxiety disorder with panic (2014), agoraphobia with panic (2014), mild depression (2005, 2013, 2014), slight PTSD-like (not full PTSD) symptoms during my sleep and hypervigilance (2016), sleep paralysis (2017), hypothyroid (2008). Then I have smaller annoying things – tendonitis in my arms, wrists, elbows. Allergies to anything that goes on my skin that is fragranced or unfriendly, water retention, and more.
I function okay throughout the day. My laundry is on my floor again (on a clean blanket) waiting for me to get the energy to fold it all and put it away. But I still do readings, and I am grateful my 2 jobs are local and can also be done from home. I do work 2 part time jobs AND do readings/reiki, and freelance work. No, feeling awful doesn’t interrupt my ability to do readings or work because it isn’t physically demanding.
I am pretty chipper if you meet me and talk to me. Sometimes I am exhausted and grumpy but I forewarn people beforehand if I am in that state.
And, I never want anyone to feel bad for me. I press on!
I got a warrior ring/necklace from MantraBand and I am wearing it daily to remind myself I am a Chronic Illness Warrior, a Warrior for good in this world, and a Spiritual Warrior of awesome. Namaste.
P.S. Since I have realized that I didn’t “cause” these problems and they aren’t “MY fault”, I have been a little less stressed (like a smidgen), and less intensely looking for cures for these things. I have relaxed my approach to my health – which is actually serving me more than being an intense nut about it.
Have you ever wondered whether you were receiving guidance or not? Or have you ever wondered why you keep seeing the same things over and over around you? Well, that is your guides way of telling you to pay attention to that thing.
For example, if someone says to you – Hey, you got to check out this course. And then another few people tell you that same thing. And then you see ads for it online or on your phone, and then you hear an ad about it on the radio. Well, that is your guides way of saying – you need to take this course, you can benefit from it in some way.
I have been getting major signs to practice self-love, self-compassion. It started by my psychic advisor recommending I read The Power of the Heart by Baptist de Pape. I am in the middle of reading it, but I bought it in mid-December .
I put together a list of things for Christmas because most of my family doesn’t like to guess. But I didn’t specify anything I wanted over anything else.
After I bought the book, I received a Kuan Yin statue, a heart chakra Alex and Ani bracelet, and a colorful heart charm. All of which people felt pulled to get me. Kuan Yin is the goddess of compassion. I also received a daily calendar that I finally opened at the end of the first week in January, and its message was “Love Yourself”.
I also recently got one of the magazines I subscribe to and the theme for the month is Self Compassion. I woke up and looked at my Instagram feed this morning and the first post I saw was that Lokai came out with a Love bracelet with a ton of hearts on it.
Now, I know Valentine’s Day is coming, but still. There are a lot of signs that I need to do some heart work and learn self-compassion. So, I am.
I am working on reading the book. I meditate with my hand on my heart and explore it a bit. I am working on healing my heart and loving myself more. I also listen to guided imagery for the heart and also for self-compassion.
I find self-compassion to be incredibly hard. It is easy for me to be compassionate to or for someone else, but the opposite for myself.
Living with health issues forever – literally my whole life – I have found it hard to have self-compassion. In essence; I don’t usually feel well, sometimes plans get ruined because of my health, and sometimes my health gets in the way of a lot of things I want to do. I get frustrated with myself that I feel so awful, or if I can’t do something, my plans fall through, etc. And that anger just sits within. I don’t express it much but instead hold it in. (Which I am working on doing less.) Eventually my anger turns to sadness and I just cry my eyes out but over the years I have developed a strong resilience and it takes a lot for me to break down these days. Unless of course, the endometriosis is causing me some OTHER problem, or if I need help but refused to rely on others. Not knowing how my life will look in the future, if I will be better, the same or worse, also bothers me. But I am working on self-compassion right now and it is slowly coming about.
Sometimes we are our own worst critics. I think a lot of us are like that, though most of the time it is mental and we don’t usually show it. Practicing self-compassion, relaxing our expectations of ourselves, being kinder to ourselves and giving ourselves a break is incredibly important. I am learning to accept myself as I am, to have more self-love and self-compassion and to cut myself some slack.
Have you experienced signs from above that you need to do something? Can you benefit from learning self-compassion? Tell me about it. 😊
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